Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Drummer bummer

Mungo Thomson, Drum Kit Drawing (Keith Moon 4), John Connolly Gallery, NY.

My plan for my next life has always been to come back as a drummer in a rock band, however it’s been severely compromised since I’ve found out, through my friend and neighbor, Robby Baier of Melodrome, that drummers are the butt of rock musician jokes. One of my favorite pastimes is to listen in on the shoptalk of other professions—especially their in-jokes, and I even once thought of doing a book based on them, except the only one I’ve ever been able to remember is about how dermatologists have only one prescription:

If it’s closed, open it. If it’s open, close it. If it’s wet, dry it. If it’s dry, wet it. And in every case use cortisone.

And I’ve been told that in the orchestral and opera world it’s violists and tenors who don’t get no respect, but then it was a baritone who told me that.

Interestingly, the drummer jokes also involve pizza, as in:

What’s the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

How do you make a drummer’s car go faster?
Take the pizza sign off the top.

How do you get a drummer off your porch?
Pay him.

However, according to Robby, there’s something even worse than being a drummer, and that’s a folkie, something I never aspired to be.

How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to screw it in and six to sing about how great the old one was.

What’s a folksinger without a girl friend?

What happens when a folk singer wins the lottery?
He gets to play a lot more gigs.

But even the folk world has its hierarchy, with banjo players at the bottom:

What’s perfect pitch?
Being able to throw a banjo ten feet into the garbage can.

What happens when a banjo player leaves his car in a bad neighborhood?
He comes back and it’s filled with banjoes.

And back to rock musicians, there’s this one; no doubt the drummers getting back:

How many lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to put it in and wait for the world to revolve around him.

I only dimly remember once hearing a joke about an artist, having something to do with real estate and outhouses. Curious, I looked up “artist jokes” on the Web, and found a bunch but they weren’t very funny. Except for this one:

How many performance artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don’t know. I left.


Anonymous said...

This is an old one:
How do tell if the stage is level?
The drummer drools from both sides of his mouth.

SDP said...

I laughed out loud at the image of a car filled with banjoes. I could see it in my mind's eye- perched on cement blocks, stripped of its tires - overflowing with abandoned instruments!

martha miller said...

ha! good ones! here's another:

how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

Anonymous said...

Why do people get nervous when a guy walks into a bank carrying a violin case? Because he could have a machine gun inside and they're afraid he might use it.

Why do people get nervous when a guy walks into a bank carrying a viola case? Because he could have a viola inside and they're afraid he might use it.


Anonymous said...

How can you tell if there is a lead singer at your door? He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come it.

If you are driving down the road, and a banjo and a mandolin fall off the truck in front of you, which do you run over first? The banjo; business before pleasure.

What is the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a dumpster without hitting any of the sides.

How do you get a guitar player to turn down his volume? Put sheet music in front of him.

How can you tell the trombone player's kid at the playground? He's always using the slide but he can't swing.

What's the difference between a trombone player and a turtle getting hit crossing the road? The turtle had a gig.

A trombone player did well on a New Year's gig and the club owner asked him to do the gig next year he said "Oh great, can we leave our stuff?"

What's the definition of a semi-tone? Two oboes playing in unison.

Did you hear about the bass player that locked his keys in the car? It took him 20 minutes to get the drummer out.

What do you get when you cross a mafioso with a performance artist? Someone that makes you an offer that you can't understand.

What did the drummer get on his SAT? Drool.

P.S. My brother is a drummer. A very good one.

David said...

From my business:

How do you make a woodworker a millionaire ? Give him 2 million and wait a year.

3 men are entering the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks the first one, "How much money did you make a year?" The man answers "about 200k, I was a doctor."
He asks the next one, "how much did you make a year?" The guy answers "about 400k, I was a mortgage broker". He asks the third, "How much did you make a year?" He answers "about 12k ." "Oh what instrument did you play?"

Anonymous said...

How do you make a small fortune in the art market?

Start out with a large fortune.


Anonymous said...

Accordions get no respect. "What's the difference between an accordion and an onion? No one cries when you chop up the accordion."

martha miller said...

Play "Over by the Window" and I'll help you out...